As a science of yoga evocateur, adventurer of what is true and a soul wrapped up as a human being, the trials and tribulations of recent life struggles have led me to the writing of this experience. In which I hope to part some of my fears, tears, and knowledge so that collectively we can embrace the coming of change and for those in a similar vortex of emotion, I hope will shed some light and a shoulder to lean on in the form of a piece of writing. It will be okay.
When the veil of illusion is lifted and we can see that our five senses have been functioning from an ego driven enhancement of seeing the world, we can pose the question of how to reconnect with our senses as allies to connect with our soul. We have the choice to use our senses through the ruler of the soul or the ruler of the ego. Paramahansa Yogananda talks about the five senses as dictated by the ego in the Bhagavad Gita as “the Sense Princes are body-identified pleasure-seekers, indulgent and self-centered. Influenced by ignorance, they fall into evil ways and self-destructive habits.” In western terms, this highlights that in order to move away from illusion we have to be able to connect to our soul by becoming conscious beings.
When we are in a space of pain, this is not easy and although this may make sense on a logical level, what words can serve the bruised heart when relationships come to an end? First and foremost the biggest advice that I can give you when relationships in any form come to an end, and what I needed to hear is that it is sore and therefore feel. Always feel. The remedy for this is to show up. Show up to your emotions, show up to your pain and show up for closure. I thought that seeing the person that I had an awe amplifying experience with would bring me closure, and in some ways it did. But the main closure came from a realization within myself that I was able to connect with.
As a yogi and advocate for self-development the term expectations irks me as although I am very aware of this ‘concept,’ what do you do when although you have the knowledge and understanding your mind fails you, you resist and ultimately your mind is like a dam wound up toy waiting to buzz and create the story of what it would be like in a perfect world. Most often than not, the biggest loss is often not the person, but rather the story we have created of this ideal human being. It is a harrowing tale.
As I write this, the song ‘Total eclipse of the heart’ by Bonnie Tyler comes to mind, as what does an eclipse mean? An eclipse is when something is blocked and covered and with that being said, we choose to cover our own light by giving the credit to someone else for our own happiness. Tyler sings about “once upon a time there was light in my life but now there is only love in the dark.” These lyrics show just how much we give our power away to others. And have the internal dialogue of “take it because this light is only here because you.” But on a scientific level, we are light and energy and that is who we are. No one can be the light for us but rather contribute to that space of energy. So with that being said, I have come up with my own definition of expectations. Expectation is a warning signal that we are giving our power away – it is an ally is helping us see that we are no longer functioning at our own higher vibration but rather believing that what was is because of someone else. The question when stuck in the story is – “am I making choices aligned with my higher self or not?”
Let me give you an example from my recent expedition of feelings and I am sure this language will then make sense. Earlier this year I went overseas and through a series of events, connections and most importantly aligning with my dreams, I was completely on purpose with my mission in this world. I was functioning at a higher vibrational energy. When I returned home I went to an event in which I met many beautiful people and alongside this journey attracted love into my life. Once this event came to an end, I was left with this incredible experience and belief that the other person was responsible for it all. I believed the story that the experience was so magical because another person made it out to be. So when the closure came and the relationship concluded, I felt angry, hurt, sorrow and grief as I unfortunately lived a story I created, had expectations and believed that I was empty and would never find that ‘love’ again. It took one friend to ask a question that led me to the realization and the lesson I had to learn from this experience. The question was, “what was the vibration that I was functioning at that attracted this person into my space?” then it all occurred to me, that was it! I was scared that I would loose my magnetic self once this person exited, but actually it was never about that person. It was about me. Looking back, I can see how I lost the connection to myself as I chose to believe that the other person was responsible for the whole experience. But in essence, it was the connection to my higher self that attracted it all. And most importantly during that experience of ‘love’ I realized that I did not fall in love with that person but rather I was falling so in love with myself. So now it is more about how do I fall in love with myself again?
When was the last time you were so connected, so on purpose and so aligned? What was your world like? And then from there – the work is “what do I have to do for myself, to get me functioning at a higher vibrational energy again?” This is the work, because we are the most effective and efficient in serving of others and ourselves in our most connected form.
Maria Popova shared a series of Vincent Van Gogh letters on heartbreak and love not returned, in which something really connected with me and pulled on my heartstrings. Maria wrote, “although Van Gogh’s infatuation ultimately ended in heartbreak, in the process of working through it he found himself and his art came alive in a new way – a beautiful and poignant reminder that our sorrow and our creativity spring from the same source.” So again, the reminder is the same – we are asked to show up to our love, pain and most importantly grow. We are asked to be vulnerable, to connect and be willing to do the work so that we can enhance our vibrations and be of service to our duty on this earth. Van Gogh showed up to his emotions and expressed his pain in the form of art, and in turn has inspired the world of expression.
“Wait for someone who could be the moon for you. Just as strong, just as steady, illuminating changes and seas and booming flowers and summer nights. They’d wait for you in the dark. They’d dance around the sun. They’d receive your primal howls, your secrets, your dreams, and shifting tides. Wait for the moon. Wait for nothing less than what steals your breath. What breaks you open. What lures your soul. What helps you rise.” – Victoria Erikson
This quote by Viktoria Erikson is beautiful as it does pertain to the spirit of what Yoga is, which is union. Being able to balance the female and male, the light and dark, the pain and joy. We cannot have one without the other. Nature is a clear example of balance. When something is not working, it rejuvenates itself in the form of storms, earthquakes and ‘shake up calls’ to return to a state of balance. On a Quantum Physics level, the law of cause and effect applies as it is about balance and aligning oneself through challenge and support so we can continuously return to a space of centeredness. We are asked to rise and rise we must for ourselves. There are no expectations but rather higher vibrations.
As we continue and of course have a choice to evolve, we slowly peel away at the veil of defenses, the illusions our senses of the ego creates and have the gift to live in a higher frequency - that is where the magic happens. The more and more we choose to do the work and be in our highest self, the more aligned we are to other people, to our planet and to ourselves. Miracles happen when we show up. So be scared, be challenged, be connected because if there is one thing I know for certain is that as long as we show up whether this is to our vulnerability, to our fears, to our actions, to our soul – there are no regrets because we allowed ourselves an opportunity to feel.